How're you gonna keep 'em?
And so, in the farmyard, down behind the old barn, the sheep looked over as weary old Lou Pearlman shoveled through all the piles of cash he had hidden before the aliens came to get him to take him to Jesus.
When he reached Saint Leighanne, she offered him anything to publish Backstreet's orgy photos.
"Which ones?" asked Lou, befuddled. He had a wide selection of lovely sparkly photos of his little protégés, doing things unimaginable and anatomically implausible to anyone but Lou, who knew absolutely NOTHING, just dropped dead.
"Whoa," said Leighanne, screaming for Jesus.
Instead, Joey arrived, clutching his heart and really hoping someone would show him the meaning of being saint-like. Apparently, Kelly was not really interested in instructing him, or in treating his incipient urges.
Jesus finally arrived, wielding a fairly massive load of Twinkies and Peeps, which seemed like overkill, when his statue suddenly came to life and suddenly teleported everyone to Hawaii.
It was terribly hot on the beach and sand got into the crack of the half-open black box perched on Justin's throbbing, pulsating, man-dick.(1)(a) Oh, no, what's with all the chafing? It's like pleasuring a rusty old maiden aunt of Brian's. Not that Justin would tell Kevin about the Aunt's pleasure, although Kevin probably already knew, having freaky bat hearing. Howie knew the aunt intimately. He didn't know about Kevin's mutation but was happy to be his personal massage therapist. It turned out Joey didn't want to fuck Justin, but he did, however, happily have relations with JC and Chris quite freely.
But Lance was feeling pretty promiscuous so he called Nick and invited him to come join the party. Nick insisted on bringing Aaron, though, sadly Aaron was too busy writing his story about Chris and posting it to LJ, where no-one believed a word of it, they thought that the anatomical proportions were inaccurate.(2)
Abandoning the Carter brothers to fight for Kevin's attention, JC reached for his sparkly lube. Although somewhat gritty, it usually didn't take this long to microwave.
Howie dismounted from his mighty steed and grabbed hold of his own balls, grinning as the microwave finally pinged. Now the party could start!!!!!!!!! They still needed more purple, so Aaron called Anderson Cooper. He was busy. Pineapples were not to be mentioned by anybody, or Chris would start unnatural acts with saved braids. (3)
"Oh my God, it's a..." Lance trailed off in horror, as Howie's mighty steed reared, exposing its extremely impressive, multicoloured, slightly moist and hairy barbed cod-piece. No one should do anything to remove it, but several of them were envious.
Justin thrust into his mom's (4) handbag and retrieved a small tube of lipstick that he used to draw a smileyface on the note he was preparing to tie onto his box.
"On your knees, Nick!" he commanded.
"In your dreams!" Carter answered, waggling his eyebrows.
"Don't you love me anymore?"
"I have another love..."
"Dude! Your duck is awesome!" Justin said, planning to roast his wiener in a hot fire!
"JC is pregnant!" yelled Aaron, panicked and fearing for the swell of JC's moobs, so delightfully perky right now.
JC cupped them. "They ache," he mourned.
"Shall I kiss them better?" Lynn asked coyly. "Maybe suck out some milk?"(5)(b)
"Ew."(c) JC winced. "Go away... No! I mean, come closer!"
"Schizophrenic much," said Chris, entering and kicking Lynn out the closest window, giving JC a fear-inducing grin.
"Get out," JC said, sulking prettily. Lance approved, wanting some threesome fun with Howie and the horse. The horse, however, wanted Kevin, as he had similar hair.
Interlude: then they had tea. Howie quite enjoyed his cup while watching the Kevin-steed action. Then the steed stood up and demanded some Howie/Lance action, and Lance happily complied, squeezing Howie's pert ass and moaning about the imminent stock-market crash.(6)
Chris, meanwhile, licked JC's straining back and rubbed his bulging belly as Lynn writhed in milk and honey with Justin.
"Oh, momma, I love you!" the curly-haired infant cried passionately, spurting man-fat(7)(d) onto his momma's already dubiously-stained dress. Lynn moaned in ecstasy and grabbed a pacifier to soothe her dribbling son. (8) Peace at last!
"JC," Chris asked, "why is AJ left out of this?"
Magically, a naked AJ appeared, with Brian in tow, laughing hysterically and writhing in pain. Jesse and Reichen grabbed Lance and dragged him to Pecker's Nest, a nice little restaurant, to determine his true love. So Lance, horrified, ran away.(9)
Meanwhile, the steed was fucking(10) livid, because Lance had abandoned the big pile of straw instead of joining Kevin and Nick in Aaron's huge bed. So the steed joined them. Brian, jealous, shot the steed.
"OMG, you killed the steed!!!1!" cried Nick, and Kevin comforted him with a large candle.(e)
"That smells nice," Nick sniffled, just as Joey stole the steed's remains for his ritual. AJ was still naked but that only helped Brian shove a candle up his ass. Sadly, the candle was lit, but only for a second.
"What the HELL!" Aj shrieked, the trapped gas exploding. "ARGHHH! Nooooooooooooooooooooo(11)" Britney cried in passion as her AJ mask fell.
"Copycat," Howie said bitterly. He was grieving and holding his steed's remains. His beloved, gone! (GONE!) He just couldn't believe it.
The real AJ entered the scene, totally drenched in milk and rose petals from Justin and Lynn's bath.
"Dude, what happened to you?"
"I have no freaking idea.(12)"
* * * (f)
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Joey set out the altar, placing the used pink panties at the four cardinal points. The dismembered steed, four candles, a turkey baster, Nick's seed, and lashings of ginger beer.
* * *(g)
In his lair, Kevin laughed. Nick's candle had burned down to a useless stub. However, Kevin had a cunning plan. He had acquired a goat, and milked its phlegm to insert into Joey's virgin ass as a pre-emptive strike against the summoning of zombie!Lou's form.
Joey fled, screaming.
Annoyed, Kevin scowled. Joey was essential to prevent zombie!Lou's return. Nobody wanted THAT to happen, so he bent, spreading his own cheeks and blew a raspberry. JC, summoned by the sound, hurried to add his lactated milk to Kevin's cauldron of doom. "Thanks, JC," Kevin droned on. He stirred the concoction monotonously.
"Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble,
adding singed AJ ass stubble." (13)
JC studied the cauldron interestedly. He could see zombie!Lou, decomposing like Gorgonzola in the ether.
Kevin resurrected the horse, and fell into a coma.(h)
Meanwhile, Chris and Pecker were licking a nice sherbet. Kevin's coma ended by their excited squeals (augmented by JC's assbaby's squalling). Justin cradled the baby, cooing. Trace, smiling, promised to babysit, saving the baby from Lynn and her infant-corrupting ways Justin was too familiar with. Kevin named the horse Toby. He put on Toby's codpiece and swallowed six Pixy Stix, then spun a watermelon blowpop and Nick documented every twirl.
Lance was delighted. "Oh, my!" he gasped. "Isn't that something?"
"Ding!" someone said, and it (the horse) disappeared. Lance cried. Kevin and Howie also mourned. "No, seriously, what the HELL?"(i)
"Do not cuss," Chris chastised, as Brian exited the shower with Pecker's cousin Decker and their brother twice removed, Oswald. Jealous, Pecker jumped AJ and Oswald helped tag team him.
**The ducks then committed suicide.**
"He actually looks more like Lance," Brian said, poking the baby, who JC had named Moon River Ass Baby Chasez. (14) He then shortened it to Moonbaby. Aaron wasn't amused. JC then lactated all over Brian, who was still naked and inhaling Pixy Stix with his dead ducks.
Aaron's lawyer arrived on a pink steamroller. "Hi, I'm Jesus," he said. "To court, we will go."
JC grabbed Lance's cellphone, calling Kevin to represent him while Aaron called his mother. "Mom, I need your bitchy help."
"I disown you!"
So Aaron sat down and cried a lot (" "). JC comforted him with orgasms. They made up and married.
Howie was done mourning and decided to suck Joey and Chris in sync, humming happily.
JC wore a dress, Aaron asked Nick to be best man, and Lance was the maid-of-honor. The lair was getting crowded.
They ate wedding cake and danced to Bye Bye Bye, complete with talk-to-the-hand choreography. Justin took over the reception, singing "IWYB". He misses JC's cuddles.
Meanwhile, at the cabin, Pecker drowned Lynn in the bath. Decker informed justin of this by ouija-board, already being dead. [NB: These ducks are an illusion! See **]
But no—Pecker was revived by Kevin before the wedding!!!!! Nick fucked the maid-of-honor in the pool. Trace kidnapped Moonbaby. JC cried. Aaron was unimpressed.
Britney's head arrived in time to see the cake cut. Kevin rescued the baby. Trace cried. Kevin, instead, laughed uproariously. Diane cursed, her illusions disbelieved.
Public services announcement: WEAR CONDOMS!
"Damn, too late!" JC cried.
"It's okay, pookie," Aaron said.
Meanwhile, Joey was flying an aeroplane to escape the madness. Lamp killed Trace, avenging Moonbaby. (15) Lance went to the moon! (While wearing his YDMC thong.) The thong chafed, but Lance liked that kind of thing. AJ had hitchhiked with Lance (they loved old-school dance moves). Chris tried to seduce Kevin with promises of Pecker and lace. "Huh," Kevin said, "sounds weird."
"Only the first time's kinky."
"The feathers itch. I know."
"But think of the possibilities."
"Can't we have normal sex?"
"Boring!! Let's invite Nick and his ribbed purple sparkly butt-plug—"
"Aaron's already using it, sorry."
"It's okay, it's double entry!"
"...umm." Kevin blinked. "How about I buy a new one?"
"Used is warm." Chris pouted, while Kevin frowned.
"Well, maybe warmth in my ass is too scarring. That lava lamp has traumatised me FOR LIFE!!!"
"I thought you loved it!"
"Eh," Kevin shrugged. "I like wanking to Chris's lamp story."
"Nothing smaller satisfies me now," Howie injected, appearing from behind, winking horribly, and grabbing Chris's recently published anthology of poetry.
"Hey! Hands off!" Chris grabbed Howie's long shiny hair and pulled him to the floor. Howie squeaked like Nick, and fell down, flailing wildly. Kevin gave up, attaching the lace to his codpiece and parachuting away with JC and Aaron.
"Three down, thank God," said Steve Fatone, wringing his hands. AJ giggled maniacally, shooting Steve. JC left Aaron for AJ. Broken-hearted, Aaron left the story. Justin caught senortia (16) and died.
Chris's poem was so awesome, Lance killed and ate him. Kevin used his eyebrows to attempt ferromanipulation(17), failed, and imploded. Jesse disembowelled(j) Reichen, grabbed Lance, blew him until Jesse choked and died.
Lance stepped over Jesse's body and was immediately impaled upon Nick's purple sparkly butt-plug and, conditioned to butt-plugs, he swallowed manfully and wriggled backwards, taking the invasion with a gasp.(17)
"Hey!" Nick squeaked. "That's mine!"
Enraged, Nick attacked with fists-of-intenst-angst-and-woe (TM). Happily, Lance enjoyed the exhibition. Unhappily, he died from fisticuffs.
God's fury struck Brian down. Colonel Mustard killed Nick mysteriously. Steed's ghost killed Joey. WOE! Howie died screaming after the ghost of Britney manifested suddenly. AJ died of broken heard.
Jesus took Leighanne to Heaven for tea, sex, drugs and other assorted acts of merriment(18)>
Diane died felching the goat.(k) The goat ate Colonel Mustard and died of mustard indigestion.
JC lived happily ever after with Moonbaby Chasez.
Appendices, from your Faithful Amanuensis
PS If anybody discovers any typos, I will try to bring myself to care.